My Ho-Bag Was Retired in 2008

I want to explain the definition of a "ho-bag" because I don't want you to be confused with similar variations of the term. First of all, a "hobag" or "ho bag" (no dash - see that?) is a term usually used by women who are referring to other women, typically their female friends.

It's a way of saying, "Hey, you kiss and do hanky panky with a lot of different people, and I'm judging you, but it's OK, so let's go shopping."

Women are strange creatures, I know.

(And I also know that women should not call other women derogatory names because if men aren't allowed to say those things without being offensive, then how can it be OK for women to say it nicely to each other? And most of the time sometimes, we don't say those names very nicely anyway, but let's not get into the politics of this right now.)

So, a "ho-bag" is a noun too, but rather than referring to the woman herself, the word refers to her bag of tricks that keeps her prepared for, uh, slumber parties and similar one-night activities. Toothbrush, toothpaste, change of underwear and/or clothes, makeup, prescription medications, and a stick of deodorant are the basic essentials that are necessary for a lady who is staying the night elsewhere.

Maybe she has her bag packed because her boyfriend has space issues. Or, you know, they just started dating and she doesn't want to overwhelm him with the products.

Maybe it's packed because she is spending the weekend with a friend.

Maybe she is a gypsy.

Maybe she just likes to bed hop.

WHO KNOWS?! The reasons and possibilities for a woman to have a ho-bag are virtually endless, but I think it's obvious that the ho-bag is an essential morning-after recovery tool.

I have not been utilizing a ho-bag since 2008 because that is the year I started dating my then-boyfriend/now-husband. After being taken off the market officially in 2010, I have put my ho-bag in complete retirement.

When I spent the night at a friend's house this past weekend to have some much-needed girl time, it became very apparent that I am severely out of practice in the packing of a ho-bag.

How in the hell am I supposed to fit all these essentials in one bag?

How did I do this ever?

Have my beauty and hygiene routines become so out of hand that they require multiple bags?

Apparently, yes.

I brought FOUR different bags with me like a crazy bag lady. I had a bag for toiletries and makeup; another bag was for my clothes; a different bag was for some snacks because WHAT IS A SLUMBER PARTY WITHOUT SNACKS?

Not a party, that's what.

One of my friends really out-packed me in the ho-bag department. Not only did she have the one ho-bag with all of her overnight essentials, but she also managed to pack her laptop, camera, and chargers in there. She only had to make the one trip to and from the car with her one bag. I, on the other hand, looked like a disgruntled Christmas shopper with bags criss-crossing my body every which way.

I just needed a mini-van, and my look would have been complete.

I have never really noticed the different between being married and not being married because my husband and I have always been so happy together, but you guys, I cannot pack for shit anymore. For the first time ever, there was a great divide between me and my friends because of my inability to pack for one evening.

Is this why so many moms have cargo-like diaper bags?