These Are My Pet Cats

I can't believe that I have yet to mention my cats in any of my blogging endeavors. My husband and I spend many, many hours a week cleaning up after their incessant disasters, so they are a daily fixture in my life and inspire a lot of angst-like feelings that are best expressed in free-form prose.

Or in a lot of curse words.

I guess I'm subconsciously trying to forget about them whenever I can because they are thismuch closer to pushing me over the edge into the realm of Psycho Crazy Cat Lady (not to be confused with my Psycho Coupon Lady moniker), and I need the break from their feline festitivies.

Without further ado, these are my insanely stupid cute cats:

Luna Lovegood (She rarely sleeps, so this isn't the most accurate photograph of her daily behavior.)

Taken with my ghetto 3G iPhone.

Yes, I named her after a character in the Harry Potter series. No, I don't care what you think about that.

We knew she was the one for us because she took a big, stinky cat poop right there inside the adoption center in front of the whole world for anyone to see. She was all, "What now, bitch? You gon' scoop that shit or what?" and we still brought her home with us.

She doesn't like to be ignored, and when you get home, she will let you know just how much she missed you by jumping onto your lower leg with her claws in full force. Her tail is the most fascinating thing EVER, and she spends a lot of time chasing and grooming it...little weird. She is our "special" one.

Hermione Granger (This might have been before she jumped onto my face.)

She is pretty cute.

Yes, there is a Harry Potter theme going on here. No, I didn't consider Twilight character names at any point.

Originally, we just wanted the one kitten, but the horrors of single kitten syndrome (or whatever it's called) convinced us that bringing another one home would be a good idea for their health and happiness and for most of our furniture. (We were wrong about the furniture bit.)

Hermione is definitely the sweeter of the two. She rubs her head against your legs, and she meows ever so softly for food, like "Oh, hi, would you mind sparing me a few kibbles?" But she is the mastermind behind all of their death-defying antics.

In order to deter our cats from clawing their way up the curtains or from disassembling the couch with their expert digging abilities, we squirt them with water. If you think that is animal cruelty, you must have had a pet rock and know nothing about animals, especially cats. They are conniving and vindictive creatures. When they want revenge, they get it, so I don't think a squirt of water to the face is that bad.

When faced with the squirt bottle, Hermione will immediately stop what she is doing and scurry away when she sees you grab it. She knows you mean business, and while she likes water, she doesn't like her precious, kitten fur to get wet.

Luna, on the other hand, will try her best to swat the squirt bottle out of your hand, and when you do squeeze the trigger, GAME ON. You best be prepared for a fight to the death where you will end up in human flesh ribbons on the floor.

For the most part, they are cute and cuddly (from a distance). Whenever they fall asleep, I will lightly pet the tops of their sleepy heads so that it feels like I have sweet kittens and not furry monster felines. It's a coping mechanism.

They still haven't figured out how high they can jump exactly, so I will often see them jump onto the top of a chair or the countertop, lose their bearings, and slide off in a fury of claws. It's pretty hilarious...until I see that they also ripped off the top of the upholstery to our couch.

Sigh.