Treadmill Troubles

So, one time I deployed for six months. I know, that is kind of a big deal and I should have mentioned it sooner, but I was too busy eating Oreos. For the most part, it was a great experience. I really had a lot of fun in a war torn country that is full of people who shit in the same water they drink regularly. I worked with amazing people and learned a lot about myself. I realized I'm not nearly as tough as expected, but that that's an OK thing and I can still tolerate a lot of bull crap when it matters.


I also managed to lose a lot of weight, and this has been the most eye-opening experience for me. I had no idea that I could run as hard and as fast as I can now. I had no idea that I had it in me to NOT eat a whole package of Double Stuf Oreos. I had no idea that I could lose 40 pounds on my 5'2" frame and feel pretty much the same on the other side. Skinny me? Chubby me? Still me and having lived as both people, I like them equally.

But this isn't about my deployment or my weight loss journey, at least not entirely. I will have to explore those topics considerably over the course of a lot of posts and caffeine-fueled beverages. Instead, this post is about my butt.

If you know me in a manner such that you are horrified by the thought of reading anything about my butt (e.g. Sorry,  Dad.) then maybe go look at Bachelor Frog memes or something.

Alright, I came into this world with a blessing of a backside. I am not going to out my husband as an "ass man" (as opposed to "breast men" anyway) but I know that my former perky and round butt was not unappreciated.

I mean, I'm not saying I was Beyonce or anything, but I could give her a run for her money in the right amount of sequins.

On the flip side of things, I have dabbled with running off and on for the last 10 years. I have ran distances at qualifying times and I have dry heaved doing just one lap around a track. For the last two years, I've been secretly longing to start running again as my main form of fitness and secondary choice in stress relief. Two years is a long time to sit on your ass and think about running, but I did anyway.

Oh, and my butt? It got bigger during this time frame. I had to buy jeans in sizes that I thought only pregnant women wore.

Deployment came at a great time because I was at my hugest and on the precipice of being in really, really bad health. I started running on the lone treadmill available to me as I lived in the area that was not conducive to outdoor running (Uh, twisted ankles and torn ligaments much? I hate rocks.)

At first, it was bad. Like, extremely bad. I would run so early in the morning when no one else was awake just so no one would see me sputter and gag as I pushed myself through mile after mile.

Then, I don't know. It just got easier. I just kept running on that treadmill like I had nothing better to do. 5 miles? That's a warmup. 10? Whatever. 15? Now we're talking. I couldn't stop and I didn't stop and I am proud that I managed to stay motivated running on a human hamster wheel day after day after day for six damn months.

And here I am, 40 pounds lighter and infinitely faster and woefully butt-less. Treadmills destroy your butt. It is an ass muncher in the worst possible way. I now can't fill out a pair of pants without some padding and I NEVER THOUGHT I would be a pancake butt woman.

So, as I struggle to add squats and lunges and dead lifts to my fitness routine, I catch myself looking mournfully at my own butt in the mirror. Actually, it's not that I'm at looking AT it so much as I am looking FOR it.

Maybe you're sitting there rolling your eyes at me.

"God, she is skinny now. Get over it!"

Maybe you're a woman with a fine derrière laughing at my expense.

"Hahahahaha!"

Maybe you shouldn't have read this post about my butt and you're upset with yourself.

"I can't look her in the eye anymore....but then I'll look at her butt! OH GOD NO!"

Whatever the case and whoever you are and whatever state your ass is in, I want to caution you from running on a treadmill nonstop. Apparently, you don't really use your hamstrings or glutes as the treadmill extends your legs for you. I know, that sounds like science to me too, but this woman at the gym explained it to me when she caught me staring at her butt. I had to tell her my situation so that she wouldn't file a sexual harassment complaint, and she really sympathized with me and gave me that nugget of knowledge.

But she is a bitch because I could have dropped a book on that shelf...