Split Personality of Running

I was listening to my various nerdy podcasts the other day and I learned about dissociative identity disorder most recently. I've never met anyone with this disorder; I've only ever seen it depicted in movies and pop culture, so my understanding is clearly juvenile and downright insensitive to anyone who actually has it.

Even still, I'm posting this anyway because the fact of the matter is: You can love and hate running in the very same breath and the stress that running can put on your mind/body/spirit is enough to drive anyone batty.

The morning of a race is both exciting and exhausting. During those first few miles, I am doing my best to listen to my body and start at a pace that I can maintain for the next 10 or 20 miles. It's a constant struggle for someone who is used to running like hell straight out of the gates (i.e. Army 2-mile run) so I try to distract myself with other thoughts to slow me down and keep me steady.

For the most part, these thoughts are very hippy dippy because I'm trying to channel those endorphins and be positive. As soon as these fleeting mantras cross my mind, I have two possible, immediate reactions: Option A where I am zen and one with my body, or Option B where I want to burn everything to the ground.

There is no intermediate reaction. At any given moment, I am either ALL FOR THIS RACE or AGAINST IT. It's like my very being has split into two distinct halves that are totally at odds with another and have no idea that the other half exists.

A) There can't possibly be a part of my mind that loves running when my instinct is to pour gasoline everywhere and watch this city burn whenever I pass a mile marker.

B) There can't possibly be a part of my mind that hates running when I want to embrace all living creatures and set up house in a cruelty-free commune upon crossing the finish line.

Below you'll find my mantras that I probably learned from inspirational quotes found on Pinterest with my two possible reactions upon acknowledging said mantras.

1) You learn to appreciate the city or area you're in which you are racing:

A) This course is so beautiful! Wow, it's amazing to see everything on my own two feet!

B) WHY AM I DOING THIS? I HATE THIS PLACE. GET ME A CAR.

2) You become grateful for your existence:

A) I am so lucky to be alive! The air! The trees! The water!

B) I WANT TO DIE.

3) You notice all of the cheering crowds with colorful signs along the course:

A) Hey, I love that sign! Haha, it's so motivating! Love it!

B) FUCK YOU, GUY, AND YOUR STUPID SIGN.

4) You approach every water station with relief:

A) Thank you, volunteer, for this cup of water!

B) GET OUT OF MY WAY AND GIVE ME A HOSE.

5) You learn the limits of your body and the endurance of your spirit:

A) I can do this! My legs are strong! I am ready!

B) STOPSTOPSTOPSTOPSTOPSTOPSTOPSTOP.

6) You find yourself in the zone where the miles just drift away:

A) Wow, I could run like this all night! I never want this to end!

B) WHEN WILL THIS NIGHTMARE BE OVER?

7) You learn who you really are and what you're made of:

A) I feel so invincible! I am wonder woman! I am a runner!

B) I AM NEVER DOING THIS AGAIN. SOMEONE, PLEASE, CALL MY DAD.

Here are the upcoming races that I'm doing for the remainder of the season culminating in another attempt at 26.2 miles of glory. You'll find pieces of my shattered psyche along these courses, so feel free to pick them up in your attempt to find your own running groove.

August 2nd: Tacoma Narrows Half Marathon
August 17th: Seattle Iron Girl Sprint Triathlon
September 7th: Women of Wonder 10K
September 21st: Beat the Blerch Virtual Half Marathon
October 12th: Poulsbo Half Marathon
November 30th: Amica Insurance Seattle Marathon