Thinking About Getting a Cat? Think Again.

Growing up, we always had a cat. Usually, it was a big, fat, fluffy sort of cat that did a lot of sleeping and ignoring me. Maybe I forgot what they were like as kittens because my current cats? They are NOTHING like the cats of my youth. They are driving me to alcoholism with their kitty shenanigans.

That Hermione and Luna duo? TOTALLY BAT SHIT PSYCHO.

Let us count the ways:

1) Cats will steal your money.
True. I have an entry way table where I put down my daily essentials: keys, wallet, phone. I always set these things down on this table. I have never deviated from this pattern because I would lose these things if I did anything different.

My cats have witnessed me leaving my belongings there every day and have shown zero percent interest in that table until just recently. I leave my debit card in the front pocket of my many-pocketed wallet, and they managed to take it out of that pocket the other day.

You know, the pocket that snaps shut.

And then they lost interest in it and left it in their litter box for me as a nice surprise.

2) Cats can break down doors, or at least try very, very hard to do so.
I have tried to let my cats sleep in my room with me, but when I'm asleep, I become a jungle gym as far as they are concerned. I've been woken up countless times to find my cats wrestling on my face.

Now when slumber is imminent, I trick them into leaving my room by turning on this laser pointer thingy (a.k.a. The Babysitter. I hope this thing works on human babies.) and running back into my room.

Once the laser pointer shuts off, they find other ways to entertain themselves including, but not limited to, eating toilet paper, knocking over lamps, and breaking down my bedroom door.

I've been trying to get some footage of their antics, but I've come to the conclusion that they are throwing their bodies against my door with a running start because that is the only way to explain the thunderous sounds that they generate hour after hour.

More than once, I've woken up in a panic because I thought someone was trying to burglarize my home, but really, it's just my cats being insane.

3) Cats will attack anything and everything because they are always on the hunt.
Shoelaces? Prey.

Fingers? Prey.

Hanging towels? Prey.

Toilet paper? Prey.

Chairs? Prey.

Debit cards? Prey.

Something must be hunted at all times. Everything has the potential to be hunted at some point or another. This means that all of your belongings, and I mean all of it, will meet cat claws sooner rather than later.

I used to have leather chairs. Now I have two wooden chairs covered in leather ribbons and white upholstery stuffing.

4) Cats want to get all up in your grill.
You know when you are all snuggled up on the couch watching your favorite movie and reminiscing about your imaginary life as a Disney Princess? (What?) Cats will hone in on your state of comfort and then sit on your face.

Or paw at your face. Or knock the remote out of your hand (see #3). Or sit right in front of the TV blocking your view of Belle singing about her provincial life. Or lick your hair.

They will do anything it takes to make sure you are annoyed, disgruntled, frustrated, or generally upset, and then they will expect you to serve them because they are assholes like that.

5) Cats are picky as shit and nothing can please them.
Their food will never be fresh enough, especially when they can try to have your dinner. The water in their water bowl will never parch their thirst because there is a toilet they could try to drink from or a sink they could sit in while you are brushing your teeth. Their litter will never clump properly, and they will want to dig and dig and dig and dig into their box until all of the litter has been kicked out of the box.

You can never pet them enough. Cats want to know why you are going to work and paying your bills when you could be petting them. They're all like, "Who do you think you are, Human? Come hither and pet me right away."

The cat toys and cat treats and other cat-oriented gifts you buy for them are never good enough, and they will never ever sleep in a cat bed when they can sleep on top of your diaphragm instead.

In spite of, you know, everything, I do love my cats because every once in awhile, they will sit next to me, purr, and not attack my hand for about 10 minutes straight. It's almost like they're my pets and I don't live to serve them and make them more comfortable.

These Are My Pet Cats

I can't believe that I have yet to mention my cats in any of my blogging endeavors. My husband and I spend many, many hours a week cleaning up after their incessant disasters, so they are a daily fixture in my life and inspire a lot of angst-like feelings that are best expressed in free-form prose.

Or in a lot of curse words.

I guess I'm subconsciously trying to forget about them whenever I can because they are thismuch closer to pushing me over the edge into the realm of Psycho Crazy Cat Lady (not to be confused with my Psycho Coupon Lady moniker), and I need the break from their feline festitivies.

Without further ado, these are my insanely stupid cute cats:

Luna Lovegood (She rarely sleeps, so this isn't the most accurate photograph of her daily behavior.)

Taken with my ghetto 3G iPhone.

Yes, I named her after a character in the Harry Potter series. No, I don't care what you think about that.

We knew she was the one for us because she took a big, stinky cat poop right there inside the adoption center in front of the whole world for anyone to see. She was all, "What now, bitch? You gon' scoop that shit or what?" and we still brought her home with us.

She doesn't like to be ignored, and when you get home, she will let you know just how much she missed you by jumping onto your lower leg with her claws in full force. Her tail is the most fascinating thing EVER, and she spends a lot of time chasing and grooming it...little weird. She is our "special" one.

Hermione Granger (This might have been before she jumped onto my face.)

She is pretty cute.

Yes, there is a Harry Potter theme going on here. No, I didn't consider Twilight character names at any point.

Originally, we just wanted the one kitten, but the horrors of single kitten syndrome (or whatever it's called) convinced us that bringing another one home would be a good idea for their health and happiness and for most of our furniture. (We were wrong about the furniture bit.)

Hermione is definitely the sweeter of the two. She rubs her head against your legs, and she meows ever so softly for food, like "Oh, hi, would you mind sparing me a few kibbles?" But she is the mastermind behind all of their death-defying antics.

In order to deter our cats from clawing their way up the curtains or from disassembling the couch with their expert digging abilities, we squirt them with water. If you think that is animal cruelty, you must have had a pet rock and know nothing about animals, especially cats. They are conniving and vindictive creatures. When they want revenge, they get it, so I don't think a squirt of water to the face is that bad.

When faced with the squirt bottle, Hermione will immediately stop what she is doing and scurry away when she sees you grab it. She knows you mean business, and while she likes water, she doesn't like her precious, kitten fur to get wet.

Luna, on the other hand, will try her best to swat the squirt bottle out of your hand, and when you do squeeze the trigger, GAME ON. You best be prepared for a fight to the death where you will end up in human flesh ribbons on the floor.

For the most part, they are cute and cuddly (from a distance). Whenever they fall asleep, I will lightly pet the tops of their sleepy heads so that it feels like I have sweet kittens and not furry monster felines. It's a coping mechanism.

They still haven't figured out how high they can jump exactly, so I will often see them jump onto the top of a chair or the countertop, lose their bearings, and slide off in a fury of claws. It's pretty hilarious...until I see that they also ripped off the top of the upholstery to our couch.

Sigh.