Britney Spears is Turning the Big 3-0...How Old Does That Make You?

Listen, Brit Brit's birthday is on December 2nd. She hasn't invited me to her party yet, but I think that's because she's still on the Femme Fatale tour down in Mexico, and she knows I don't have time to renew my passport, so I forgive her.

I have been a vehement Britney fan ever since "...Baby One More Time" premiered on TRL.

Yes, TRL? Remember that show? I always wanted to call and vote for my favorite video ("TOXIC!") but I was usually in school still when we were supposed to cast our votes because, unlike MTV, I was on Pacific Standard Time, so imagine my disappointment whenever I came home to find Britney in the number two spot.

WHAT IF MY VOTE COULD HAVE BROUGHT HER TO NUMBER ONE, YOU KNOW?

WHAT IF SHE WAS COUNTING ON MY PHONE CALL?

WOULD MY VOTE HAVE SAVED HER FROM MEETING K-FED?

Now I'll never know...

I just can't believe she is turning 30. Like, THIRTY. When my brother turned 30, oh, I don't know, a hundred years ago, I was like, "Damn, you are old. Your life is over."

But I do not feel that this is the case for Brit Brit. She is getting better and better with age. Her weave has been looking really good and less janky, and whoever spray-tans (sprays tan? I don't know.) her has obviously concocted the perfect shade of orange to match that weave. Both of her little boys are super duper cute and look just like her. I don't see trucker hats or grizzly stubble or pathetic stints on Dancing With the Stars in their future, if you know what I mean.

My only issue is that I am a little hesitant about accepting this Jason Trawick guy as her official boyfriend because:

1) She didn't tell me about him prior to Making It Official, just like that one episode of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills and Kim ambushes her sister, Kyle, into meeting her ugly ass boyfriend, Ken, whom she has kept a secret FOR OVER A YEAR! I am so Kyle in this situation.

2) He is not Justin Timberlake.

Yes, I still have hope in my heart that the love between JT and Brit Brit will be resurrected because they should be together forever xoxo.

ALLEGEDLY, she cheated on him with some dancer guy who was not K-Fed, but we have no proof because that happened in 2001, and if we don't have Facebook pictures or an iPhone video of this unfair allegation, then we obviously can't fault Britney. Innocent until proven guilty.

For all of you JT fans who think that he is just "so much better" than Britney and that he "deserves more" and whatever, I just want to remind you of what he looked like back in the day:

Bleach fro, beige turtleneck, and lavender shades. Yeah.

If he is able to bounce back from that visual situation and be this "awesome" movie star circa now, then really, our girl Britney deserves another chance too.

I don't know, maybe she is too good for him, OK? I mean, if by being "too good" we mean the person who still creates pop music and dances her ass off and performs amazing concerts for her legions of MUSIC fans because her background is POP MUSIC and NOT STARRING IN MOVIES WITH MILA KUNIS, then Brit is the clear winner.

Clearly.

So, I'm definitely trying to give Jason the benefit of the doubt because he seems to make her happy and less crazy and JT is a Hollywood poser to the extreme (WHAT ARE YOU DOING AT THE ACADEMY AWARDS, JUSTIN?) but if they ever got back together, I would be 100% supportive and I would be the first in line (online on iTunes?) to buy their inevitable joint-album that announces his return to music (finally!) and their future child of pop music royalty.

But until then, I guess I'll just have to wish our Brit Brit a very "Happy Birthday!" on December 2nd from my corner of the Internet.

Last Night, I had a Dream about Halle Berry

If you think this is about some kind of bizarre lesbian fantasy, how dare you! My blog has class, you fiend!

Maybe the sudden death of Amy Winehouse, the totally expected surprising engagement breakup between Kat Von D and Jesse James, the yawn-worthy wedding of Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo, and Lindsay Lohan’s renewed friendship with Paris Hilton has left my mind spinning into such a tornado of celebrity gossip that I can’t tell what’s real and what’s fake anymore.

Because obviously everything I read on Perez Hilton and X17Online is real.

I had a truly horrific dream though. Here's the summary: Halle Berry was driving in Los Angeles with her little daughter, Nahla, in the front passenger seat and she got T-boned by a semi-truck, and they died.

$#@*&%;!!!

What in the…? Who dreams that?

I feel like such a bad person for having this dream that I'm almost ashamed to write about it, but then I remember I don't have a Catholic shame complex, and I'm over it.

Even so, I was panic-stricken and completely distraught in my dream (evidence that I'm a good person). I was so upset that the photographers were taking detailed pictures of the accident that I was ready to bust all of their cameras with the dream sledge hammer in my dream backpack. There was a huge crowd, and we were all crying, and some people even bought flowers to display at the crash site in their memory.

It was horrible, and I woke up very startled and immediately ran an inventory in my head of all the over-the-counter medicine that I've taken in the last 24 hours to decide if this was a drug-induced dream. 

Negative.

I searched the headlines on my iPhone to make sure it really was a dream, and even now, I’m a little shaken up about it because I don't know what this means. Usually, I can figure out why I'm dreaming of particular things.

Flying dreams? I need to pee.

Dreams about food? I'm on a diet.

Crazy rapist dreams? I watched True Blood.

I’m not even that much of a Halle Berry fan, so I don't know where this is coming from at all. She would not have been my first pick for Storm in the X-Men trilogy, you know? But that doesn’t mean she deserves a dream death!

What is going on here? Is my mind that saturated with celebrity gossip that I'm starting make shit up in my sleep?


....


Perhaps I'm becoming a clairvoyant, and I need to warn Halle Berry about driving! Maybe suggest a driving accident prevention course or something. I need to research baby car seats and tell her what I think is best for baby Nahla, you know, depending on their type of vehicle. 

Obviously I have to get in touch with Halle Berry and save her from this perilous fate! God, why didn't I see this from the beginning? I have been wasting so much time! 

HALLE BERRY, LET ME HELP YOU!


(Is this how stalking begins?)

The Rise, Fall, and Rise Part 2 of Britney Spears

Ah, Britney Spears, one of my favorite topics of conversation. I realize that her music doesn't exactly inspire late night power ballad sessions in karaoke bars across the country (leave that to Whitney Houston), but she is an amazing stripper entertainer.

When she came onto the scene in 1999, she had catchy songs, great music videos, abs of steel, and really, really nice hair. She became an MTV and red carpet staple, and she was the guilty pleasure we all sung along to on our car radios.

At 29, she has definitely cut back on her super awesome dance moves, and her weave is not as coifed as it could be, but I have always been rooting for Britney and her musical endeavors.

But remember when she married that guy in Vegas for 55 hours and started running around town without any underwear? Yeah, that was kind of weird.

From then on we all started watching in horrified fascination as she continued to go down this deep, dark spiral of nicotine and Cheetos. The incredibly energetic and unusually tan girl I remembered from the 2000 VMA's started to seem like a figment of my imagination.

The Infamous 2000 VMA's

In my opinion, and really that is the only opinion that matters in cases such as these, BritBrit's downward spiral started after Justin Timberlake broke up with her.

However, in JT's defense, I can't blame him because she was most likely the biggest bagful of crazy after spending so many years dancing in her underwear before she could legally drink.

He was probably like, “Could you please bring sexy back and take a shower for once?” and she got all defensive and said something like, “Y’ALL DON’T KNOW I’M NOT A GIRL, NOT YET A WOMAN!” The nerve.

Even when she was married to that gross Kevin Federline with his stupid facial hair and trucker hats, I was still a Britney fan.

Even when she started going to public bathrooms without any shoes and driving her car with her baby in her lap and dropping her other baby on sidewalks and basically stumbling around like a Hot Southern Mess of Baby Daddy Problems, I was still a Britney fan.

Those were some tough years (circa 2004-2008) for me,  but I always maintained faith in our girl, and I had high hopes for a comeback.

From what I knew, and I knew everything in explicit detail because I read every US Weekly and Perez Hilton post out there, Britney just needed a little helping hand. And after Mental Breakdown #341, she was finally hospitalized, and they took away sharp objects and bags of Cheetos from her.

Now, this is where things get fuzzy for me in terms of the "Is-This-the-Right-Thing-to-do-for-Her?"-Line because on one hand, it's really sad to be a twenty-something-year-old adult and have your daddy and some manager-type people put you on lockdown and take control of your life.

On the other hand, when you are batshit crazy and shaving your head and throwing umbrellas at cars, you need a timeout in a big way no matter how old you are.

And look at the results! Her 2008 album, Circus? Totally AWESOME! I even tried to get a children's hospital event themed after Circus that is how much I loved it!

(For the record, that theme did not go over well with some parenty-types. Pfft. Britney is child-friendly. She is a mother, people.)

Her hair was growing back slowly but surely, and she even re-gained custody of her kids. Forget the Industrial Revolution, that is what progress is all about.

Little did I know that another album would drop this very year, and behold, Femme Fatale! While it is very In the Zone, it is a great effort on the part of Ms. Spears. If you don't sing along to the "oh oh oh oh oh" part in "Til' the World Ends", then you are positively un-American.

This is the Britney that I remember from times of yore, and this is the Britney I had been waiting for ever since K-Fed got the boot from Dancing with the Stars.


If two successful albums, world tours, and millions upon millions of dollars (all after a very public mental breakdown, mind you) doesn't equal "WINNING", then I don't know what else we can consider for the definition, minus whatever the hell Charlie Sheen has been talking about.

Britney is here to stay.