I admire people who can wake up every morning and throw themselves into their workout routines with energy and discipline.
I do not do that.
At all.
I love snoozing all morning long until I'm almost too late to get out the door in time, and I resent morning workouts because they interrupt my blissful sleep. Rude.
Me: I'm going to run 5 miles straight, non-stop on this treadmill!
My Legs: Hell yeah! Let's do this!
My Mind: Excuse me, but WHY?
Me: I need to be workin' on my fitness...you're my witness. Now get your act together and get in THE ZONE already. Let's Steve Prefontaine this shiznit!
My Mind: You know he's dead, right?
Me: Yeah, I know, but he was an amazing athlete, and I read his book and here I am trying to take a page out of it. Let's enjoy this and be inspired!
My Legs: Um, OK sure, but are we going to run at this pace the whole time?
Me: Yes. I'm going to bump it up later on, so this is just a warm-up!
My Legs: OMG, why are you so mean?! Are you crazy?! Slow is steady and fast is...sucky, or whatever.
Me: C'mon, you can't be tired already! We've barely gone a mile!
My Mind: We actually haven't gone anywhere since we're on a treadmill. We're still here. In front of a mirror. In the same spot. Every step you take brings you nowhere.
Me: You are NOT helping.
My Legs: I feel....floppy...I might buckle at any moment. This is becoming a hazard.
Me: Well, if you'd just PICK IT UP a bit, then maybe we wouldn't sound like a damn stampede of dying buffalo.
My Mind: We are rather loud...do you think everyone can hear us? God, I bet they can at least hear you breathing over here.
Me: ....No.....they cannot.
My Mind: Are you feeling thirsty? You're actually not looking so good. Let's stop and get a drink of water.
My Legs: Yeah! Water! Water!
Me: I am running 5 miles SOHELPMEGOD.
My Mind: OK, fine...just know those girls are staring at you.
Me: Only because they are jealous of my discipline and cheetah-like speed.
My Legs: Or because you're bright red and sweaty...at least I am.
My Mind: And they can hear you grunting and it's slightly disturbing.
Me: I am NOT grunting...heeehhhh...heeehhhh
My Mind: That's the sound of you grunting.
My Legs: You know, a walk sounds nice right about now. I think we'd all feel better if we just went on a walk together, you know? It'd really mellow things out.
Me: I am NOT walking...this really isn't so bad. I feel...good...ish. I mean, I know I'll feel good later!
My Mind: There's a 30-minute limit on all cardio machines, and do you really think you'll be done with 5 miles in that time frame? I think not.
Me: That's only when there is a WAIT. No one is waiting on a treadmill!
My Mind: That's because no one wants to be running near you with your airborne sweat and animal noises.
My Legs: Are we there yet?!
My Mind: There! Over there! He's waiting on a treadmill! I just know it!
Me: You think?
My Mind: Yeah! And...um, he looks like he's waiting on this one.
My Legs: Let's not be rude to the poor guy....he just wants to run too...
Me: But we still have over 3 miles to go...? I'm going to feel so unaccomplished.
My Mind: There's an elliptical open....
Me: .......
My Legs: C'moonnnnn, you know you want to....
Me: I feel like an awkward adolescent gazelle on the elliptical...
My Mind: But you look like an ungraceful bag of potatoes on the treadmill....
Me: That was unnecessary.
....
....
Me: OK, let's go on the elliptical...
My Legs: Allriiiiight, a break!
My Mind: Why can't we just go on a walk....
Me: Oh, fuck it, let's go eat some cookies.
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